Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Depression SUCKS!

Yes, that is correct, IT SUCKS! It sucks the life right out of me. It sucks the fun out of my life. It sucks the motivation out of my heart. It sucks the comfort of my family away. I am struggling. I have to take my "Happy Pills" daily. I have to make a conscious effort to see positivity. I have to get up and stop wallowing in my self-pity. I need to talk it out sometimes. And DAMMIT, I need to find something better to do with my hands than peeling the skin off my fingertips.

I have see the ugly side of depression since I was about 12. I have also suffered from post-partum depression so I double whammy'd myself there. My pit of despair has looked incredibly deep and the sides have seemed to go straight up. I'm trying to take things day by day and step by step but I fall down...HARD! It's ugly. But I'm trying to see something good every day. If for that one moment I am happy then I have done something good that day.

I am not perfect. I have nasty feelings and a really crappy sense of self-esteem. I get overwhelmed easily. I resent some people's seemingly easier lives but I make it through. It may not be the prettiest way of doing things but it is how I survive some days.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I over-share. It is who I am. At my worst I simply exist. At my best...I don't know; I haven't seen my best for a long time. So, at my good enough, I love to smile and see the world through the eyes of my children. I am me. It isn't always sunshine and roses. In fact, I don't remember a lot of sunshine and roses in my life over the years but I KNOW that there is some in there. I have hope that things will turn around. I have faith that this isn't all there is. I am learning. I am surviving.

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