Friday, January 13, 2012

I've Done The Unthinkable

I stopped taking antidepressants!  It has been a month (well 2 days short of a month) now and I'm still going strong.  December 15, 2011 was the start of a new way of life.

I wasn't feeling the benefits of the meds anymore.  In fact, I think the meds were making some things WORSE.  I was a shell... numb, no motivation, no drive.  Usually that is a symptom of depression but I was being treated and I was STILL that way.  There was no happy or sad, just Blah!  That is something that I'm afraid of though.  I haven't had to deal with emotions for so long now that to feel them now is scary.  I'm not sure what a normal life feels like any more so I'm pretty intimidated.

Because of the timing of the end of my meds, I started this new life in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season.  INSANITY!!!  But I made it through.  I made it through Christmas present shopping, a 13 hour road trip to see the inlaws for Christmas and my family for New Years, a vehicle emergency (under warranty Thank Goodness!), and another 13 hour road trip home - completely Happy Pill free!  Let me tell you, there were moments when I thought I was going to give in and commit myself to the Funny Farm but I chose to believe that everyone has "off" days and that the drama would eventually pass.  The hard part is telling myself that every morning before I get up so that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Now I'm home and back into my usual routine and I'm not 100% sure I've made the right choice.  I THINK I've done the right thing but I'm still anxious.  I'm crying more often than when I was on the pills but maybe that's better than being the husk of a human being that I was.

I have a long way to go... I know that.  It's daunting but I'm focusing on one day at a time.  Sometimes I might have to take it hour by hour, but for now it's day by day.

Wish me luck!  My family may need some luck can't be easy living with me right now.  ;-)