Be Kind Or STFU

I know this idea makes the rounds through blogs, Facebook, Twitter, Google+, and all other forms of social media, all the time.  It just doesn't get put into action often enough by enough people.

People need to learn to be kind to one another.  You don't know what the other person is going through.  You don't know what battles that person is fighting or the issues that affect EVERY...MOMENT...OF...THEIR...LIVES!

That elderly person shuffling along through the mall ahead of you mumbling to themselves.  Maybe they are recently widowed and missing their partner of several decades and talking to them (to their memories) is how they cope.  That Mother who is ignoring her child's temper tantrum.  Could it be that she is teaching him/her that a tantrum will not get them what they want?  That frazzled looking couple with a child who is yelling, touching everything in sight, and just seems like a brat?  Maybe that child has Autism or Sensory Sensitivities or any other number of disorders or illnesses.  The Mom who's baby just had a baby of their own.  The neighbour that keeps to themselves to the point of avoiding people.  Have you ever thought they might have social anxieties or depression?  An illness?  Is being abused?  Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.

Do you ever stop to think about what it takes for some people to just get up in the morning?  The effort it requires to crawl out of bed, get cleaned up and to get presentable enough to be seen in public?  Whether it is due to illness, age, mental disorder, fatigue, grief...it all affects the day to day living of a person.  You can't see the weight this person is carrying.  It could be weight they completely put on themselves but it dictates everything in their life.  Maybe, like me, they don't ask for help.  They CAN'T ask for help.  They lack faith in the people around them so they can't trust that the help offered will actually be there.  Can you even fathom the amount of people who suffer in silence?

People need to learn to be kind or they need to learn to just Shut the F*CK Up!

The Kid Is Trying To Kill Me With Embarrassment

OK, like I said in my last post, Nolan is toilet training.  This is just one of his embarrassing moments.

Nolan had an accident (the third or fourth of the afternoon) and I was debating just putting him in a diaper and being done with it.  I had removed his wet shorts and he was running around bare-assed because he refused to go upstairs to get a clean pair of undies or a diaper.  Any way, he was running around bare-assed when someone knocked at the door.  I thought it might be a day home client's Mom so I ran to the door with half naked Nolan right on my heels.  I saw it was the charity Plan (fostering children in Africa).  I went outside and shut the front door in the hopes that Nolan would stay inside and not flash the neighbourhood.  Didn't quite happen the way I planned.

Mr. Naked Bum finally decided to open the door and come outside to be with me.  I picked him up trying to cut down on the amount of people seeing his tally-whacker hanging in the breezes and swung him onto my hip with my hand trying to cover his tush with my hand.  He looks up at me with a crazy, scheming grin and says, "You feel my nuts on you Mom!"  I almost dropped him as I doubled over howling in laughter.  The two guys from Plan stood there briefly dumbfounded before cracking up too.  The one doing all the talking finally said, "That has just made my day!"  I just stood there wishing the porch would open up and swallow me whole.

Now, how do I teach a 4 year old to filter?

Toilet Trouble

Nolan is 4 now.  A 4 year old, thumb sucking, Gankie (blankie) loving, long haired hippie freak, hockey goon resembling, diaper wearer.  He has, up to this point, had absolutely no interest in toilet training.  No amount of bribes, pleading, begging, or shaming has made any difference to him.  He has been quite content to mess in his pants and carry on with his day.  He'd sit in his own mess all day if I'd let him.  I tried letting him sit in it and hoped it would be uncomfortable and make him WANT to get rid of it and no, he wasn't bothered at all.  He's stubborn and dug in his heels and has fought the toilet this whole time.

Finally, mid to late last week the idea that he can't get a bike or go to school because he still wears a diaper clicked.  He has insisted on wearing underwear ever since.  The first day was pretty good.  Only one accident.  Unfortunately, it has gone down hill from there.  Each day there are more accidents and more "I sorry Mom!"  It still isn't making him use the damn toilet without me nagging.

Today he must have sensed my frustration (or heard my threats of putting him back in a diaper and putting him in bed for a nap like a baby) because as I was walking downstairs after putting the day home baby down for a nap, Nolan greeted me with wet shorts and a cloth.  He told me that he had peed and wiped it up himself.  Smart kid?  Helpful kid?  Embarrassed kid?  Kid with a good sense of self-preservation because I'm ready to tie a knot in his willie and be done with it?  Who knows, I'm just happy he cleaned it up himself.

I've Done The Unthinkable

I stopped taking antidepressants!  It has been a month (well 2 days short of a month) now and I'm still going strong.  December 15, 2011 was the start of a new way of life.

I wasn't feeling the benefits of the meds anymore.  In fact, I think the meds were making some things WORSE.  I was a shell... numb, no motivation, no drive.  Usually that is a symptom of depression but I was being treated and I was STILL that way.  There was no happy or sad, just Blah!  That is something that I'm afraid of though.  I haven't had to deal with emotions for so long now that to feel them now is scary.  I'm not sure what a normal life feels like any more so I'm pretty intimidated.

Because of the timing of the end of my meds, I started this new life in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season.  INSANITY!!!  But I made it through.  I made it through Christmas present shopping, a 13 hour road trip to see the inlaws for Christmas and my family for New Years, a vehicle emergency (under warranty Thank Goodness!), and another 13 hour road trip home - completely Happy Pill free!  Let me tell you, there were moments when I thought I was going to give in and commit myself to the Funny Farm but I chose to believe that everyone has "off" days and that the drama would eventually pass.  The hard part is telling myself that every morning before I get up so that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Now I'm home and back into my usual routine and I'm not 100% sure I've made the right choice.  I THINK I've done the right thing but I'm still anxious.  I'm crying more often than when I was on the pills but maybe that's better than being the husk of a human being that I was.

I have a long way to go... I know that.  It's daunting but I'm focusing on one day at a time.  Sometimes I might have to take it hour by hour, but for now it's day by day.

Wish me luck!  My family may need some luck too...it can't be easy living with me right now.  ;-)

I've Been Having Issues

I've been neglecting this blog because of my depression and the chaos that my life seems to be. I am going to try to keep this blog lighter and more fun so my journey through depression will be chronicled in a different blog, http://onestepfromthelooniebin.blogspot.com

I hope to return to a happier mindset and get this blog moving again!

Put On Your Own Mask & Other Such Things

I have a really suck ass sense of myself. I don't care a lot for myself and instead throw myself blindly into taking care of everyone around me. This of course takes it toll on my health, my level of sleep deprivation, and my continued lack of interest in taking care of me. I identify myself as a Mom and a Wife and a Child Care Provider but I don't have a way to define ME...Christine...the woman...the person. I don't often take for myself and after a while I get resentful. I'm silent about it though because I feel like I don't deserve to be resentful or angry.

Doesn't my husband work 7 days straight, 12 hours a day, away from his wife and children so that we can enjoy the good things we have? When he comes home, doesn't he have the right to just sit and relax and not be expected to do anything, including fetch his own beverages and snacks? I cater to him because he works hard to keep us in this house, eating this good food and wearing these clothes. Are we rich? No, but we are comfortable.

My kids are young. How can I expect them to step up and help out? The older 2 are in school all day and trying to learn their way through life and how to become good citizens in this world. There is a lot of pressure on them to succeed (By the world at large, not by us. All we want is for them to do their best.) They are boys and I'm the Mom...It is MY job to take care of them and to help educate them and feed them and clean up after them and, and, and...

None of this is logical. I know that. Logic doesn't always come into play when it comes to depression. Logic dictates that everyone helps out, lends a hand and the work will be done sooner and the family will be happier. That is just not what I do.

You've heard the blurb on the airplanes that if the cabin should lose pressure air masks will drop from the overhead compartments. Put your own mask on before helping your child or the elderly or the disabled or whomever requires the assistance. Because, with logic, how can you help the other person if you are suffocating or dead. This has been told to me a lot over the recent years because if I don't take care of me, then who will be here to take care of my family? If I am drowning, how can I save them? If I can't breathe, how can I help them put on their masks? How can I process that with my feelings that I must do it all and that they come first? I haven't managed that yet. I'm still taking care of all of them and leaving myself until last. And since I'm last, I'm just too damn exhausted to do something for me. I just don't see the time in the day to take a time out for myself. Leaving the house alone for half an hour? Absurd! Take a bath? Not until the kids are all sleeping and then I'm just too tired and I just want to go to bed. 5 minutes alone in the bathroom for a poop? Ha Ha Ha! I have a 2 year old, bathroom privacy is non-existent!

When I have spoken to my doctor and a counsellor, they point out that I am really a very strong person. How the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is THAT possible!?! I am a crying mess when I go in to see them. Apparently I am strong because I am a Mother of 3 active boys who all have their own individual issues that need extra attention. Learning disorders, health issues, TODDLERHOOD! I have a husband that is gone for a week at a time at work so I have the kids and the household to deal with by myself. I am estranged from most of my family and because I see myself as a social retard, I don't have close friends to lean on. I have friends and I have acquaintances but I have real trouble asking for help or support. They have their own families and lives and problems and I would just be a bother. Who wants to be around someone so messed up as me?

So yeah, I can preach the logic. I can tell other depressed people what we NEED to do. But for the life of me, I can't take my own advice. So goes the circle of my depression.

Depression SUCKS!

Yes, that is correct, IT SUCKS! It sucks the life right out of me. It sucks the fun out of my life. It sucks the motivation out of my heart. It sucks the comfort of my family away. I am struggling. I have to take my "Happy Pills" daily. I have to make a conscious effort to see positivity. I have to get up and move...to stop wallowing in my self-pity. I need to talk it out sometimes. And DAMMIT, I need to find something better to do with my hands than peeling the skin off my fingertips.

I have see the ugly side of depression since I was about 12. I have also suffered from post-partum depression so I double whammy'd myself there. My pit of despair has looked incredibly deep and the sides have seemed to go straight up. I'm trying to take things day by day and step by step but I fall down...HARD! It's ugly. But I'm trying to see something good every day. If for that one moment I am happy then I have done something good that day.

I am not perfect. I have nasty feelings and a really crappy sense of self-esteem. I get overwhelmed easily. I resent some people's seemingly easier lives but I make it through. It may not be the prettiest way of doing things but it is how I survive some days.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I over-share. It is who I am. At my worst I simply exist. At my best...I don't know; I haven't seen my best for a long time. So, at my good enough, I love to smile and see the world through the eyes of my children. I am me. It isn't always sunshine and roses. In fact, I don't remember a lot of sunshine and roses in my life over the years but I KNOW that there is some in there. I have hope that things will turn around. I have faith that this isn't all there is. I am learning. I am surviving.