I've Done The Unthinkable

I stopped taking antidepressants!  It has been a month (well 2 days short of a month) now and I'm still going strong.  December 15, 2011 was the start of a new way of life.

I wasn't feeling the benefits of the meds anymore.  In fact, I think the meds were making some things WORSE.  I was a shell... numb, no motivation, no drive.  Usually that is a symptom of depression but I was being treated and I was STILL that way.  There was no happy or sad, just Blah!  That is something that I'm afraid of though.  I haven't had to deal with emotions for so long now that to feel them now is scary.  I'm not sure what a normal life feels like any more so I'm pretty intimidated.

Because of the timing of the end of my meds, I started this new life in the middle of the hustle and bustle of the Christmas season.  INSANITY!!!  But I made it through.  I made it through Christmas present shopping, a 13 hour road trip to see the inlaws for Christmas and my family for New Years, a vehicle emergency (under warranty Thank Goodness!), and another 13 hour road trip home - completely Happy Pill free!  Let me tell you, there were moments when I thought I was going to give in and commit myself to the Funny Farm but I chose to believe that everyone has "off" days and that the drama would eventually pass.  The hard part is telling myself that every morning before I get up so that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Now I'm home and back into my usual routine and I'm not 100% sure I've made the right choice.  I THINK I've done the right thing but I'm still anxious.  I'm crying more often than when I was on the pills but maybe that's better than being the husk of a human being that I was.

I have a long way to go... I know that.  It's daunting but I'm focusing on one day at a time.  Sometimes I might have to take it hour by hour, but for now it's day by day.

Wish me luck!  My family may need some luck too...it can't be easy living with me right now.  ;-)

I've Been Having Issues

I've been neglecting this blog because of my depression and the chaos that my life seems to be. I am going to try to keep this blog lighter and more fun so my journey through depression will be chronicled in a different blog, http://onestepfromthelooniebin.blogspot.com

I hope to return to a happier mindset and get this blog moving again!

Put On Your Own Mask & Other Such Things

I have a really suck ass sense of myself. I don't care a lot for myself and instead throw myself blindly into taking care of everyone around me. This of course takes it toll on my health, my level of sleep deprivation, and my continued lack of interest in taking care of me. I identify myself as a Mom and a Wife and a Child Care Provider but I don't have a way to define ME...Christine...the woman...the person. I don't often take for myself and after a while I get resentful. I'm silent about it though because I feel like I don't deserve to be resentful or angry.

Doesn't my husband work 7 days straight, 12 hours a day, away from his wife and children so that we can enjoy the good things we have? When he comes home, doesn't he have the right to just sit and relax and not be expected to do anything, including fetch his own beverages and snacks? I cater to him because he works hard to keep us in this house, eating this good food and wearing these clothes. Are we rich? No, but we are comfortable.

My kids are young. How can I expect them to step up and help out? The older 2 are in school all day and trying to learn their way through life and how to become good citizens in this world. There is a lot of pressure on them to succeed (By the world at large, not by us. All we want is for them to do their best.) They are boys and I'm the Mom...It is MY job to take care of them and to help educate them and feed them and clean up after them and, and, and...

None of this is logical. I know that. Logic doesn't always come into play when it comes to depression. Logic dictates that everyone helps out, lends a hand and the work will be done sooner and the family will be happier. That is just not what I do.

You've heard the blurb on the airplanes that if the cabin should lose pressure air masks will drop from the overhead compartments. Put your own mask on before helping your child or the elderly or the disabled or whomever requires the assistance. Because, with logic, how can you help the other person if you are suffocating or dead. This has been told to me a lot over the recent years because if I don't take care of me, then who will be here to take care of my family? If I am drowning, how can I save them? If I can't breathe, how can I help them put on their masks? How can I process that with my feelings that I must do it all and that they come first? I haven't managed that yet. I'm still taking care of all of them and leaving myself until last. And since I'm last, I'm just too damn exhausted to do something for me. I just don't see the time in the day to take a time out for myself. Leaving the house alone for half an hour? Absurd! Take a bath? Not until the kids are all sleeping and then I'm just too tired and I just want to go to bed. 5 minutes alone in the bathroom for a poop? Ha Ha Ha! I have a 2 year old, bathroom privacy is non-existent!

When I have spoken to my doctor and a counsellor, they point out that I am really a very strong person. How the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks is THAT possible!?! I am a crying mess when I go in to see them. Apparently I am strong because I am a Mother of 3 active boys who all have their own individual issues that need extra attention. Learning disorders, health issues, TODDLERHOOD! I have a husband that is gone for a week at a time at work so I have the kids and the household to deal with by myself. I am estranged from most of my family and because I see myself as a social retard, I don't have close friends to lean on. I have friends and I have acquaintances but I have real trouble asking for help or support. They have their own families and lives and problems and I would just be a bother. Who wants to be around someone so messed up as me?

So yeah, I can preach the logic. I can tell other depressed people what we NEED to do. But for the life of me, I can't take my own advice. So goes the circle of my depression.

Depression SUCKS!

Yes, that is correct, IT SUCKS! It sucks the life right out of me. It sucks the fun out of my life. It sucks the motivation out of my heart. It sucks the comfort of my family away. I am struggling. I have to take my "Happy Pills" daily. I have to make a conscious effort to see positivity. I have to get up and move...to stop wallowing in my self-pity. I need to talk it out sometimes. And DAMMIT, I need to find something better to do with my hands than peeling the skin off my fingertips.

I have see the ugly side of depression since I was about 12. I have also suffered from post-partum depression so I double whammy'd myself there. My pit of despair has looked incredibly deep and the sides have seemed to go straight up. I'm trying to take things day by day and step by step but I fall down...HARD! It's ugly. But I'm trying to see something good every day. If for that one moment I am happy then I have done something good that day.

I am not perfect. I have nasty feelings and a really crappy sense of self-esteem. I get overwhelmed easily. I resent some people's seemingly easier lives but I make it through. It may not be the prettiest way of doing things but it is how I survive some days.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I over-share. It is who I am. At my worst I simply exist. At my best...I don't know; I haven't seen my best for a long time. So, at my good enough, I love to smile and see the world through the eyes of my children. I am me. It isn't always sunshine and roses. In fact, I don't remember a lot of sunshine and roses in my life over the years but I KNOW that there is some in there. I have hope that things will turn around. I have faith that this isn't all there is. I am learning. I am surviving.

How could such an innocent comment go SO wrong? LOL

"Mom! Mommy! Momma! Mama! MOM!!!!!"

"Yes, Nathan?"

"Mom, do you know what a deck is?"

"Um, yeah. It's a pile of cards."

"No! It's a big pile of AWESOME Bakugan and Pokemon cards!"

"Yeah, OK Nathan!" LOL

That's how the conversation started out. Innocent right? Well it quickly went downhill from there.

Nathan proceeded to tell me all about his big deck. He had to point out the Nic's deck was puny and that I don't have a deck. After only a few short minutes of deck talk, my mind went into the gutter. All I could think about was how wrong this conversation was.

Nathan told me over and over again how big his deck was and how I don't have a deck. I answered finally that I don't have a deck because I'm a girl. I was laughing by this point and he had no idea what was so funny. He said that one of his female classmates has an impressive sized deck herself. I asked if he was sure this classmate was a girl and he looked at me like I had 3 heads. Of COURSE she's a girl! Oh what fun I have when the boys take my comments so literally.

I think I spend WAY too much time alone with the boys. My mind wanders to the dark side WAY too quickly. LOL I'm even getting to appreciate fart jokes and other bodily functions. OK...FINE! I'll tell the truth! I was already a pig. My mind has been living in the gutter for many years. I'm probably the one that taught the boys most of their fart jokes and how to burp on command. LOL Guess I'm better prepared to parent boys than I originally thought!

California in a Nut Shell

It's just been HOPPING around here! We've just enjoyed our first major vacation since our honeymoon (other than visiting family). We did Disney Land, San Diego and San Francisco with a 7 year old, a 4 year old and an 11 month old. And to add to our adventure/loonacy, we DROVE from Stony Plain, Alberta Canada to, and through, California USA! WHAT WERE WE THINKING!?!?!?

OK, seriously, it wasn't all bad. Nathan took his big brother duties to a new level. He held Nolan's bottles and fed him his little puffs and sang and made funny faces and was just a huge asset in the back seat. Nicholas would have done more to help too if he hadn't been on the other side of the car.

California was a RIOT! We rode all the rides we wanted to, burned to a crisp on our one day on the beach, had an emergency room visit, had to drive in circles to bypass a Gay Rights Parade, narrowly avoided getting into a fist fight in the Sea World parking lot, drank an ocean of water to prevent dehydration and only truly terrorized the boys once in 2 weeks.

We played really good Canadian tourists and visited all the big name attractions. The only one we considered but didn't do was Alcatraz. It would have cost us an arm and a leg plus they were booked solid for almost a week. I spoke with another traveller who tried to get tickets on a Monday or Tuesday and didn't get on until the following Sunday. We only spent 2 days in San Francisco so we were SOL on that one. I wasn't too disappointed though...the price was a little high for my tastes.

All in all we had a great vacation. The munchkins charmed their way through California with their big blue eyes, cheesy grins, and mischievous natures. Even at their most annoying (to me anyways LOL) people around us told me they were fabulous and they should be cherished. It made me realize I gave birth to some pretty neat kids. Maybe I'll keep them for a while longer. Maybe...

'Til next time folks!

Now how do I explain this delicately?

I was at the grocery store with the munchkins and roaming the aisles close to the pharmacy. As we strolled past the 'Intimate' section, Nathan picks up a box with flames all over it and the word Hot listed on it. It was a box of condoms extolling their great feel and how hot your sex life will be. Of course Nathan had no clue what this box contained, he was just facinated by the flames on the box and the few words he could actually read.

In what I would describe as a loud voice, Nathan asked if the contents of the box were hot or spicy. What else could he assume? There were flames so it MUST be hot. I was trying not to laugh as my mind went into the gutter and I was thinking dirty thoughts about how spicy the contents can make one's life. Nathan was under the impression that the contents were edible. I tried to be subtle and only answer what was asked but that wasn't going to fly with Nathan. I didn't want to explain what was in the box at quite that moment as there were other people around but Nathan was persistant. He's good at being persistant.

So I found myself having to explain what I didn't want to explain right at that moment. I tried to be delicate but it still sounded crude. My explaination went along the lines of, "Honey, what you picked up was a box of condoms. When a man and a woman have sex, they can put a condom on the man's penis so his 'seeds' won't get inside the woman and make a baby.

Well, didn't Nathan's face turn a delightful shade of red. LOL Poor kid! I don't think he knew whether to be grossed out or laugh. He made a funny face, giggled nervously then looked a little grossed out. LOL His reaction kind of made my day as I hadn't laughed much by that point. He hasn't said anything else about it since.

My poor kid...Traumatized in the grocery store. LOL